It’s a sad truth that we’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. I myself have done more than some, less than others. It seems to me that I’ve been forgiven for most and it’s wonderful that my people ( you’re all my people of the light) granted me that gift. The problem I have is forgiving myself.
As a recovering addict I find my mind is clear, more than I ever thought possible, but with that clarity comes memories and my memories of the person I was as an addict are mostly shameful.
For those of you that have never struggled with addiction I will tell you what it’s like ( my perspective, I speak for no one else) and the unpleasantness of it makes my eyes tear up.
I could see the things I did. I could see the people I hurt and how I was hurting them. I would tell myself it wasn’t ok. I would in fact hate myself for it and still do, but the person I am now was not that person. I was at war inside my heart and mind. I was at war with the addict and everyday was a loss. The closest thing I can think of to describe it is possession. Something runs the body while you’re trapped in a cage inside your mind viewing as the demon ruins your life and the people’s lives around you.
Understand please that this is not a pity party. I’m not a victim. I made a choice to use and I made a choice not to get help, for 20 years. I will say this though, I have paid a heavy toll. I’ve lost my twin flame and relationships both with family and friends. I lost my freedom. I lost everything I ever owned, multiple times. A few times I should have been dead, murdered or otherwise. I would take that death with a smile to undo the damage I’ve caused the last twenty years. Instead I’ve asked for help.
I thank the Universe everyday for my Daughter. She forgives me anything and has been an encouraging force behind my recovery. She’s set me on the path I should have been on. She’s the most beautiful being in all of nature. Currently she’s attending University on a scholarship. The scholarship of excellence. My heart explodes with love and pride. I digress though.
The only penance I can pay is my recovery. It’s the only way to show how truly sorry I am for the hurricane that was me.
My counselor asked if I believe in Karma, my answer is yes. Things seem to fall in place for me now, my life is on track. I’m not hurting people anymore, I’m loving them. I like to think that whatever debt I owed karma, has been paid.
Some of you will look at me in a poor light, it’s the stigma of the “junky” and I’m ok with that. This telling isn’t for you anyway. It’s for someone who needs to hear this. For someone who might find help because they read this.
There’s help. You can beat your demon my Brothers and Sisters. You don’t have to live in the darkness. Happiness is attainable.
We are all Light Warriors and Light Workers. Thank you for your time and I’m open to comments, all comments. I have thick skin. I love you all and I have gratitude in my heart, one day maybe I will even have forgiveness for myself as well. Not today though…