Forgiveness

It’s a sad truth that we’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. I myself have done more than some, less than others. It seems to me that I’ve been forgiven for most and it’s wonderful that my people ( you’re all my people of the light) granted me that gift. The problem I have is forgiving myself.

As a recovering addict I find my mind is clear, more than I ever thought possible, but with that clarity comes memories and my memories of the person I was as an addict are mostly shameful.

For those of you that have never struggled with addiction I will tell you what it’s like ( my perspective, I speak for no one else) and the unpleasantness of it makes my eyes tear up.

I could see the things I did. I could see the people I hurt and how I was hurting them. I would tell myself it wasn’t ok. I would in fact hate myself for it and still do, but the person I am now was not that person. I was at war inside my heart and mind. I was at war with the addict and everyday was a loss. The closest thing I can think of to describe it is possession. Something runs the body while you’re trapped in a cage inside your mind viewing as the demon ruins your life and the people’s lives around you.

Understand please that this is not a pity party. I’m not a victim. I made a choice to use and I made a choice not to get help, for 20 years. I will say this though, I have paid a heavy toll. I’ve lost my twin flame and relationships both with family and friends. I lost my freedom. I lost everything I ever owned, multiple times. A few times I should have been dead, murdered or otherwise. I would take that death with a smile to undo the damage I’ve caused the last twenty years. Instead I’ve asked for help.

I thank the Universe everyday for my Daughter. She forgives me anything and has been an encouraging force behind my recovery. She’s set me on the path I should have been on. She’s the most beautiful being in all of nature. Currently she’s attending University on a scholarship. The scholarship of excellence. My heart explodes with love and pride. I digress though.

The only penance I can pay is my recovery. It’s the only way to show how truly sorry I am for the hurricane that was me.

My counselor asked if I believe in Karma, my answer is yes. Things seem to fall in place for me now, my life is on track. I’m not hurting people anymore, I’m loving them. I like to think that whatever debt I owed karma, has been paid.

Some of you will look at me in a poor light, it’s the stigma of the “junky” and I’m ok with that. This telling isn’t for you anyway. It’s for someone who needs to hear this. For someone who might find help because they read this.

There’s help. You can beat your demon my Brothers and Sisters. You don’t have to live in the darkness. Happiness is attainable.

We are all Light Warriors and Light Workers. Thank you for your time and I’m open to comments, all comments. I have thick skin. I love you all and I have gratitude in my heart, one day maybe I will even have forgiveness for myself as well. Not today though…

10 responses to “Forgiveness”

  1. Robert, you writing is inspiring and I am glad to have met you through a shared interest! πŸ₯°

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  2. Thank you so much for sharing! You are amazing and wonderfully made, I am proud of you and your daughter! Much love and blessings to you and your family may healing, strength and grace continue! πŸ™πŸ’πŸ’

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    1. Thank you so very much!
      The support in this amazing community is nothing short of amazing. I look forward to reading many more of your thoughts. Bless you as well. You are loved. πŸ™πŸ₯²

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  3. I will definitely read the prayer and thank you for your comment. There are so many lost out there that don’t even know that love and hope are a thing. Bless you Muktioza πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww Robert, your welcome. Someone introduced me to this one and it sorted out so many things for me

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  4. Wow, this is so hopefulβ€πŸ’«. You are another example of how gratitude can change our lives. Thank you for sharing your story unapologetically. For forgiveness do read about the Hawaiian prayer ho’ponopono if you haven’t read this ☺.

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    1. β€œI’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you.” I have a new mantra in the morning to start my day. Thank you so much for sharing πŸ₯²

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank God you are here with us today to tell your story, to acknowledge that you are a human being with faults and frailties. Thank God that you were able to seek help and accept it before it was too late. My young nephew did not survive the clutches of drugs; we lost him at the age of 30. He never got to see his baby son. You are among the blessed and as a fellow human being with faults and frailties I can only look at you and say “Well done!” Keep making your daughter (and yourself) proud! 🌟

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m so very sorry for your loss and my thoughts go out to your entire family. The number of deaths and those suffering from the loss are appalling.
      Thank you for your heartfelt comment, you’re a beautiful human being.

      Liked by 2 people

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